my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
