i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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