Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i think i have two assholes
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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