who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
