Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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