his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
