is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
