I accidentally had phone sex last night
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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