That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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