still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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