I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We were destined to go to rehab together
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
