a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
