saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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