I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
