Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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