imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
