Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
