Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
