oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
