she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
