just tell him i said nine months
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
