I wish I could teleport
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
