Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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