my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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