:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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