I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
