i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
