So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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