Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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