1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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