remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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