I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
