you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
