I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We had to coat check the pizza.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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