Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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