just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
