I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
