I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
