you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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