Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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