Can Purell be used as lube?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
