Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
