She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
