oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
