Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
