first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
