Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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