Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she peed on how many people?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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