I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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