I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
There's always time for handjobs
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Randomize
